armchair warriors and fairytales

Procrastinating English IV is so much fun.
I’m supposed to be doing some sort of Exemplum that can be used to teach a lesson in high school, and using the “things come in three” theory. So mine involves three girls making a suicide pact, and one of them is saved by a wise man. It’s like a dramatic version of Winter 2007’s “Stupidfest” involving the trio.

So what am I doing instead of that?
- Talking to Rachael and Kassie.
- Watching my favorite scenes from Sweeney Todd.
- This blog.
- Contemplating what I’m doing each day for homecoming week.

Decade Day is on Wednesday and I want to do the 80s gothic Cure child. But I have volunteering in the morning, and I’m sure it wouldn’t be appropriate for the kids to see their teacher looking like Robert Smith. You know with my “Don’t give a f*ck I just woke up hair” and my “whore red lipstick”. =P

Listening To: “Worst Pies In London” - Helena Bonham Carter

I want to play make believe, like in elementary school. I want no regrets. We all do. But it doesn’t happen, drama becomes real and then we are spit into adulthood. I no longer wish to rush to February. Not until this is fixed… whether by patching or seperating all together. Although patches sound prettier.
I want my best friend. I want the trio. I want chaqueta roja.

I am split from my other half, hard to be truly happy in that situation. But I try, dear blog, to have temporary happiness to keep this thing from getting too full of whining and ranting.

Two-thirds of the trio don’t see eye to eye. We three had a pretty table for a while, and we all allowed guests at the table. Damian, CaptainJack, Chaqueta Roja. Then… one pointed out a crumb upon the other’s lip, interjected into conversation, and the other felt the table get smaller. The last one-third, while so gaily enjoying wine with one, also tried to wipe the other’s lip… but couldn’t quite get close enough.

A culmination of events happened at this table at the same time. Viktor was invited back to the table. Although the one who had originally sat by him, didn’t want him in the seat… she had put Chaqueta there. And the one who makes us a quartet at times, became upset… and of course, we must comfort her. The two making us an ensemble are usually sitting at the “kiddie” table.

At the moment, the table is cracked almost like the round table… too many horses dancing on the table. But if this must be the end… then don’t let it be forgot, that once there was a spot, for one brief shining moment, that was known as Camelot!

Listening To: “Elementary Physics” - Oingo Boingo

So, the past two weeks have been brilliant. And I have never seen a word used with so much sarcasm and truth at the same time. But the bumps and bruises will heal, and the trio is going accept consequences from decisions. It’s all good. So I’ll focus on the times it has actually been brilliant.
=]

First up, I made band sweetheart. Which I have wanted since my freshman year. Yeah, shut up, I’m a total music nerd. It was a close race… and it sucked since the people running against me happened to be two of my best friends. After sticking with a program four years and three band directors later… it makes me feel accomplished.

Funny how another brilliant thing has to still deal with the same subject. I teach music on Wednesdays at the elementary school to 3rd graders. It’s amazing, because I’m a music education major… even if my intended age group is either high school or college. But how do I accomplish this as my first period instead of going to class? It’s because us psychology kids are required to volunteer on Wednesdays during our class period (which is my 1st period).

The final thing is… Chaqueta Roja, which translates to “Red Jacket”. It deals with a person, let’s call them Amadeus*, and one of our bigger leaps down a disturbingly dark path. The actions may be slightly wrong, but they make me happy and lead me away from living in the past… away from Señor Jota Be.
[so sue me if they're similar people... that's not the only reason it's working.]

* “Ama” is the real person themselves, it has nothing to do with the Viktor theory which involves my ideal version of the person.

Listening To: “Wrong Number” - The Cure

I’m usually one persistent son-of-a-beeyotch.
That means not giving up, but… yeah I’m giving up. You’re probably scoffing of course, how many times have I threatened to quit band and have never done so yet? Well this is different, I’m sad to say.

Let’s see how things go.

“This is a freakshow and I am screaming. She spins the world round, I want to stop!”

What am I giving up on?
Making Mistakes. [At least repeating those I have made in the past constantly.]
Viktor. [you still mean lots, but I'm not masochistic enough to be treated like this.]
Prying Sunshine. [your happiness means a lot, but I can't keep pissing you off to help.]
Ama. [I'll still wait for that day, but I don't want to make the same mistakes I have.]
The Promise. [My will to not do the stupid, is for me... not the boy.]
Spunkyness. [Others can pull it off and be loved, I'm annoying.]

Why am I giving up?
I hurt constantly inside when I pursue these things. It really does go unnoticed, mainly because of the promise, until the days when I seem to be a bitch. And then I get yelled at. All because I’m sick and frustrated of what goes wrong, of myself. Then, I dare think that others get away with it, and I’m singled out. And that makes it worse.

*sigh* There are a few people in this world I want them to be nothing less of happy. And although I can eventually get them there… those days the world crashes on me, I throw it on them and ruin it.

“This is a freakshow and I am beaten. She spins the world round, I have to stop!”

Listening To: “The Perfect Fit” - The Dresden Dolls
Lyrics From: “Freakshow [Mix 13]” - The Cure

Tension is a bitch. Why try to rip apart something that works, my dear tension? It doesn’t help that new factors rage inside our brains. As much as I’ve changed, part of me is still in the past. Serenity has had what is probably the best thing of her life happen to her. And Sunshine is going through hell and taking on our hell.
=/

I know I’m usually a pessimist, but I think when the smoke clears everything will be amazing. But smoke doesn’t just disappear, you’ve got to give it time. And if the smoke clears, and I don’t see them… I have Rachael forever [hopefully]… but I refuse to see that scenario. Remember… Rachael + 3.

But, with this depressing mood, I must at least bring good news. Ginger Kid’s wife decided to stay with FBA District 19, and this time she’s working at a high school. Which means he’ll be around. And TMM is still allowed around. Perhaps this all will ease me into the present, instead of being flung in. =]

And I think this concludes my pessimism for a while.
This Ashley seems a bit more happier with who she is, even if she’s still trying to curb bad habits.
Go figure. Hehe.

Listening To: “Broken Bones” - Nonpoint